"Congratulations on your beautiful baby girl." Those were the sweet words my mom spoke to me one year ago, when our daughter Lucy Louise was born. Even though Lucy's soul had already gone to be with her Savior, and I held only her body, I treasured that acknowledgement that Lucy's life was a gift to us.
Today was her first birthday. Not at all a bad day, but a difficult one.
Difficult to look out our window and see the balloons across the street where our neighbors celebrated their baby's first birthday.
We had balloons, too, but we let them go at the cemetary.
Although there were plenty of tears in our house today, there was laughter, too.
We went out to lunch and the kids had "dirt cups" for dessert - they loved them!
They played at an indoor play area.
We planted our "Lucy tree" outdoors! Friends sent us this hibiscus of the variety "Lucy" last year in memory of our little girl, and today it went from the pot to the yard, with everyone helping (okay, watching).
There are memories of last May that are so painful. The night she died, the phone calls to family and dear friends. The looks on our kids faces when they came to the hospital to see their sister...I wrestled with the fact that God had ordained this trial for their little lives as He had for mine and Todd's. The strange quietness in the room when Lucy was born.
Eyes that couldn't open and look back at me.
There are memories that bring me real joy, like holding and studying Lucy that day, and seeing God's love shown to us in amazing ways, particularly through people.
Today, we remembered. We looked at pictures and made cupcakes. We talked about what Lucy looked like last year and what she might have looked like today with her dark curly hair. We laughed as we thought about what a busy, crazy baby she probably would have been, based on all her movement in my belly. We pondered what she might be doing in Heaven with Jesus and what it will be like to see her again.
We cried over our loss and praised God for Lucy's gain.
And we were so blessed by our family and friends and church who remembered with us. The flowers, cards, calls, and messages brought comfort and happiness to our difficult day.
This past week I have spent some time organizing Lucy's things, the mementos we have. I was so blessed as I looked back through many cards and emails and thought about all those people the Lord gave to help us though life last spring.
Here is an Amy Carmichael poem a friend sent me during those early weeks, that I have found myself thinking about:
O thou beloved child of my desire
Whether I lead thee through green valleys,
By still waters, or through fire,
or lay thee down in silence under snow,
Through any weather, and whatever
Cloud may gather,
Wind may blow-
Wilt love me? trust me? praise me?
No gallant bird, O dearest Lord, am I
That anywhere, in any weather,
Rising singeth;
Low I lie.
And yet I cannot fear, for I shall soar,
Thy love shall wing me, blessed Savior,
So I answer,
I adore,
I love Thee, trust Thee, praise Thee.
