This pregnancy was a long, hard one. Not so much physically as emotionally, after our baby Lucy was stillborn in May of last year. During my pregnancy with Max, I felt like I continued to go through different stages of grief over Lucy. When I first found out that I was pregnant, I was thrilled and knew this baby was (as each baby is) a special, intentional gift from the Lord. I was incredibly thankful...and scared. Although the loss of Lucy herself was obviously the most profound loss we endured last year, I started to realize other losses connected to her death. I was saddened that my thoughts and feelings about pregnancy could not be what they had been before. I felt like there was a part of myself that was lost, the realization again that I was changed, that there was something I could not go back to. And not only I was changed, but my husband and little children as well. I have reminded myself many times that though loss is real on this earth, God can make those things gain.
There were times I was overcome with fear, terrified that God might choose for our family to endure that heartbreak again. At our 20 week ultrasound, it appeared that our baby only had 3 chambers of his heart. As I waited at the office of the perinatal specialist that afternoon, I re-lived so many things about Lucy's death and birth. I was overcome with relief when a second ultrasound showed our baby's heart to be totally normal! But I cried the rest of the day and night, cried over Lucy, cried over the thought that this baby might die, cried with gratitude that he was just fine. In a conversation with my mom just a month or two before my due date, I saw how I was making this little boy's life an idol, so easy to do with my husband and children. How tempting it is to take a precious gift from the Lord and begin to treasure it above Christ. My prayer through the last month of pregnancy, as I struggled to trust our sovereign and gracious God, was "Lord, I do believe; help my unbelief."
My doctor said he would induce at 39 weeks, and August 6th could not come quickly enough for me! Everything went very fast that morning...The picture above is me at our house at 7:15 am. We went to the hospital where they started me on pitocin at 8:45. And the picture below is me holding little Max at 11:16 am! Even with all the anticipation, things were surreal!
Todd and I cried when our little guy "popped out". I can't put into words the joy and relief it was to hear his hearty cry, to see his pink color, to hold his warm body, to see his eyes looking at us. Things that I used to take a little more for granted.
The big kids (Jack looks like a giant now next to Max!) were in the hallways when their baby brother was born (hopefully not traumatized by the screaming that was coming from my room...), and were able to come in just a few minutes later. Another supremely happy moment of my life: seeing my kids walk in to hold their living and healthy new baby. Redemptive. Something I will not forget!
Eleanor said, "I want to hold him for the rest of my life!"
Will said, "Mommy, he's so warm!" He remembers that it was different to hold Lucy.
Jack was excited to hold his new brother. He was a little disappointed later in the day when he found out his name was Max and not Batman. True story.
My mom and sister Polly got to be there as well. What a happy day!
God is so good to give us Max here in our arms!!!!
Part 2 coming...
